Protected: My Valentine Message to him

Dreams of chicken!!!

Next month i will be officially completing 2 years of vegetarianism, with a few dips in to meant now and then of course. I am considering taking it to the next step, veganism…since moving to Dubai, i have joined a raw and vegan food groups, this will serve as a great source of inspiration and advise for the transition.

As per the title, i have been dreaming of meat, and last night in particular i dreamt i was eating roast chicken, my partner keeps telling me i am a natural meat eater although i chose vegetarianism. He claims that is also the same reason why, when we are walking around and looking for food, i will easily detect the meat with my nose, and i keep asking him if he could detect a broccoli smell coming from any kitchen?

I must say, i thought being in SA and be vegetarian was hard, this is something else, i can walk into a place and be told they have no veggie dishes at all, i even found an Indian place called Funky Buda, which does not do valerian, when i asked the lady for veggie options, she kept telling me they had chicken. This is another world, the kebab capital, i usually have to settle for salads. Plus the dishes are something else… , i have not been able to finish a plate of anything since i have been here, i could swear they put yeast in everything, each time i order anything, it seems like it’s meant for two, and after eating half of the food, i struggle to get off my chair, every time.  The service can be really crap here, but there is soo much to explore in terms of food… my best meal thus far,  was at a Iraqi restaurant, they have very healthy food, even though i had to settle for the side salad and humus as they had no veggie option it was good. Only thing we stumbled into it when we were on the other side of town, not in out neighbourhood.

New Year, New Continent, New Life…

I know it has been such a while since my last post,  but yeah happy new year…2009 has been such an exciting and emotionally charged year. Gosh i wouldn’t have thought, six months ago, i’d be here… i have since been growing as a part of a team with my other half. We have had our share of trials following changing our careers, came close to killing each other at some point. But always remembering what this is, and where we want to be and that we both cannot live without each other, so we were growing through all that.  We held each other through 3 months of hardship, and we are still standing, stronger that we have been before, spending literally 24hrs of the last three months together. i have fully subscribed to the ‘we’ club, doing loads of couple stuff.  We spent Christmas with my family, it was my first Christmas in a while really, my mom, brother and my nephew spent a week with us, we toured the cape, my brother drove me up the walls a few times, and i even dropped him off in the middle of  nowhere at night, luckily for him, my other half jumped into the car to pick him up. None the less, it was a great Christmas, my nephew fell in love with my other half, they were inseparable.

yeah, and fast forward to today, we are in Dubai…our new home, a lot has happened since then, we have been here for 3 nights… we are currently living in a hotel while busy hunting for our new home. Exciting times ahead… i think i met my match, he equally has itchy feet, and we both have the need to be out there, trying something new, and even if all we have is each other, that’s fine, we both have been able to uproot ourselves, and move somewhere new where we knew nothing and no one, either for career and new adventures. so this is natural, and was the easiest thing to do, and have plans to travel a bit more in the next few years before settling down.  We narrowed down the few places we both were comfortable with, an opportunity presented itself, the difficult thing was deciding whether France, Kenya, Senegal, Morocco, Dubai, among other places, but my inability to speak French, meant that our options would be limited to English speaking countries, that is until i improve on my French, i need to do so seriously, because speaking to my other half’s parents is a mission, esp when he is not around to translate:).

Yeah, Dubai presented itself as an opportunity to try something new, he got a gig here and made it part of the deal that, they get me here to, so anyone who wanted him would have to make sure i am with him, we both agreed a while ago that whoever got a great opportunity, the other would move with. We looked at everything and what basics we would need in place to do what we wanted, and every decision is discussed thoroughly, with 90 percent of the time seeing us disagree on our take of things. The fact that we are so similar, strong willed, opinionated, ambitious and workaholics has its pros and cons, at most leads to a lot of argument, but our base is very strong… and each day we are getting better and working hard at this, we know what we meant to each other.  Although there was a point when i thought noo,  this would not work, the different opinions and constant misunderstanding, from the language barrier at times (his English needs a bit of work, at times…it gets worse during arguments, either he says something which implies a different things to me, or i tell him something, and he interprets it one way). so yeah, i have also started a blog on our lives in the gulf, the link is www.nonhlanhla.com/thegulfexplored, catch me there.

new season and beginings

Its been a while since i’ve written something on here. Life has just been calling I guess, learning to adjust to my new life, environment and my crazy work schedule.
Ohh I forgot ti update, I kept meaning too but too busy, I came back from the silent retreat a few weeks ago and within 3 days of being back at work I knew something was not right. Needless to say that chapter of my career is closed for now, things got worse, the demands unreasonable and emotionally and mentally draining, all the other changes in my life were also hard to adjust to. But as hard and frightening as this is right now, I am back here and looking forward to what’s instore for me. I foresee challenging times, but for my own sanity it had to be.

Other areas of my life have really been a blessing, if that even makes sense. I am growing in my relationship, and what gives me courage to keep going and comfort in all this, is the knowledge that I am not alone. For an independent loner like me, its tough to brake all these walls and fully let someone in and trust that its ok, they will be at the bottom waiting to catch me when I fall. And I know most people will say this about their partners, but I mean it, my other half is the most amazing person I have known. He is everything I prayed for in a partner and more, I can’t even explain it, I still question it everyday, I feel like I’d wake up and discover it was all a dream, its that awesome. So I have no reason to not let him in, fully…its something I am working on everyday, we r both growing and learning each day.
Looking back, I realise it was worth the wait, definitely, we were both in the meantime, being refined and prepared for this grand experience, we would know how to appreciate this if we didn’t go through what we did.

Family life is also getting better, we r all trying and working on it everyday. My sis came down to visit us 2 weeks ago, has to be the first time we just got along, no drama, I guess having a referee did help:)

I will have more time to write on here, and also be working on my book project, it has been on hold for a while.

In the midst of it all… love found me again,

I have recently seen old love renewed, hearts I always believed belonged together found a way to reconnect. Prayers answered, because at some point I just asked God to take over, and when He gives me one green light and 10 amber and red ones, I asked Him again, as I didn’t understand why He’d say go and stop me half way. So I just had a convo with Him, and said ‘look, only you know what this is all about, you brought me here… do whatever needs to be done’. And despite all the confusions, the yanking back and forth, frustrations, it was given to me. And I am still questioning its viability, to the point where I might jeopardize it.

After a year and a half apart, with one year of not seeing each other at all, we both have grown and know we are happy here, and this is how we feel, as much as it feels like we wasted time, we needed that time apart, in order to get here. The perspective, our knowledge and understanding of each other to grow outside of a romantic liaison and the objectivity to see reality. He was with someone and I remained alone and celibate, I returned to the country he was living with her. Months down the line they were over, which followed 3 moths of uncertainty while maintaining a plutonic friendship, when it seemed like it’s all clear that this is another chapter to be closed for good, and plans were made to move out of town, etc. we both stopped to say, we are scared, we are uncertain, and cannot guarantee there won’t be pain ahead, challenges, etc.  But this is who we are today, and this is what we feel and who we feel we are compatible with, and intentions to make it work.

This all happened in the last few days, and all the knowledge we gained over the past few months has enriched us in understanding each other, and learning to respect who we are as individuals, but to also realise the mistakes we made before and the clarity we both needed to proceed forward. Within 24 hours of making the decision to be together, it was only natural to define and clarify everything, unlike earlier on where months later we were still r uncertain. It’s like you know what you are getting into, and all that work that is needed in the beginning , the getting to know each other, etc. is not necessary esp. if you have stepped back and got to know each other as friends past the romance. I guess age also helps, we both recently turned 30, the level of certainty and clarity about what is up, and the understanding that none of us r perfect, but he is in my eyes and I am awesome in his, is enough to want to take a chance… remember when I completed the 12 pillars, he got 95%, the only men ever, and he has too many faults, but like I said to him six weeks ago when he was helping me put together the remnants of my life, the morning after the handbag, that the good outweighs the bad by far, and I have known and seen him at his best, so I know what this man can be and that spirit still lives in him and I refused to accept that he was anything else.

We both do not know what will happen, we might wake up to realise that this is not it, but we intend to find out for sure. I for one have never gotten back with anyone before, but then again I always felt that the only reason we ended is because I moved, no other reason, and upon returning it would seem natural to want to know how the story ends, despite circumstances having changed etc… its too early to tell, but also too late in our hearts not to know, all I can say is, “I have no idea, how long he’ll be here, A season or a lifetime, forever or a year, But for the first time in my, life I’m not worried about
the future, Because we have such a, wonderful time when we’re together, However things turn out, it’s all right, Cause he’s already changed my life”

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Yeah, I am going on a one month sabbatical from work, as I wanted to leave due to stress in the past few weeks since my handbag, a fiasco which still continued. The pressure and all got too much, and work was not helping, as a result and other issues I had before, I decided to take a bow, but negotiations apologies, and me refusing to talk at some point, led to the point where an agreement was reached, with 2 conditions, a month’s sabbatical and relocation to Johannesburg, so I am taking time off, unpaid that is, the plan is to spend a few days at a retreat where I practice noble silence, no talking, reading, writing, or interacting with the outside world for ten days, while I meditate early from 4:30 am to 9pm, with breaks for vegetarian meals and one walk. Then the relocation to Johannesburg is now a big question mark considering the developments in my personal life.

Handbag Taken

In the past two weeks my life has been turned upside down, over a handbag that was taken….all  partly because of the things I feel for someone, and when I am in that state I loose my mind. I blame myself for not being responsible enough and using everything as an excuse just to be around someone… this was a hard wake up call, things need to change…

I had to get a new identity, and that still didn’t help… in the past 2 weeks my vocab consists of words like, syndicates, fraudster, account take over, identity threat, South African fraud protection services, bank, constable, insurance, fraud department, criminal section, etc. police have been visiting my office, and other people delivering cards, or calls to grant me the loan I applied for. I have spent hours and hours inside different banks if not on the phone with them. Each time I get a text message I pray it’s not another lending institution telling me about a loan approval, this morning I had to stop someone from walking away with a car I had to pay for, no bank will let me open an account with them right now cause I have no Identity, someone out there who has my ID is calling the shots, and I cannot use my existing  bank because someone else has control of it and cleaned me up… and the damage seems to be continuing, because the bank can’t stop it or have stringent security measures.

All this from  a handbag that was stolen, with my entire life, keys, bank cards, all phones, my address and contact details, identity document and license…. The most valuable of these being my identity document, since even after closing accounts, changing locks, cancelling cards, and blocking phones and blackberry … they hold my life in their hands, they can access things I am unable to right now… for a weekend i had nothing, no money for petrol, or access to my place, no phone to contact banks and  phone companies in 2 countries to sort things… and because my phone was gone, even though I get notifications on certain activities, I didn’t know until I got a new phone and sim swop.

Thankfully the same person who has me all tripping, was there to pay for all these,  get me a phone, let me use his, buy me solution for my eyes, food, petrol, drive me around, as I had no license, be supportive to a certain extent. But as much as it was his negligence that put me in this situation, it was still I who was not responsible enough to give control of my car to someone else. And more angry at myself for letting my heart fuq me up and not using my head, but I am glad I was forced to spend soo much time with him… and now I know what the deal is…since we broke up early 2008, I hadn’t been in his presence that long… and u know what… I am glad it happened, and yeah…maybe I needed that kind of wake up call to make me realise what’s up.

Well for the next few weeks I am keeping my money under my mattress, my sis offered to open a joint account with me, and give me some money to keep going while the investigation goes on… my company also offered to loan me some money so I can keep going… I didn’t realize losing a handbag could change my life like this. I have barely slept in the past few days, working long and crazy hours with deadlines, while I run to the bank every five minutes, jet setting, meeting after meeting… and hitting walls with banks not protecting or assisting me in anyway… at 2am the other day I had to email my boss to say, I cannot do work, I can’t think anymore, can’t sleep and been staring at the same page for hours and having constant headache instead.

The past week’s Randomness

30/06/09

Having learned again that LOVE is the greatest gift I can give to the world, myself and those I come in contact with. Unconditionally, that is, even if I deem them unworthy or upsetting or hurtful, I have to learn to continuously love them.

I now understand that, honesty gives one the freedom to choose. When you are dishonest to someone, you take away their choices and choose for them instead.

04/07/09

My greatest fear is loneliness, the very same thing I have embraced in the past few years, it is now the very thing that frightens me the most.

05/04/09

06:20

Having to say goodbye to the funny, tolerant happy go lucky MT, mature and sensible CH, young, beautiful and sweet MR… it was heart breaking, part of me wanted to abandon everything and trek around Mozambique with them…alas… next time I want to trek through Africa, I know I have company.

14:00

Here again… and even more apparent to me that I have to take a firm stand on this one… i have to stop being in denial period!!!, I love him that is the truth, and getting a quarter, half, some of him and his attention , some of the time wont make it better, and so is going with the flow or enjoying whatever this is for that matter (will write more at some stage about this). I have tried and it isn’t easy, in being firm I have to be disciplines and nip it where it hurts the most. I love him and cant be in his life as anything other than his lover, period. And I know now that he cant give me what I want and doesn’t want to be the love I want, no matter how confusing his selfish behavior is, he is a great person and friend at most, but what’s inside me, the fire that burns inside, the flames are much more powerful  than they should for a friend.

Therefore GOD, give me the strength to remain sane and realise this for what it is. No matter how painful, tough, lonely or how much I long for just his embrace, it wont make it better. I prayed for you to take charge of things, and u did what you had to do, I may not understand all this right now, I pray that YOU take total control now.

14:45

I am learning that denial is the worse form of …, being in that state, mean that u cannot move, cannot learn, cannot grow, you are basically fixated on a moment, person, situation or a thing which isnt’ anymore.

I am learning that because of months I have spent in this state. I seem to be hurting all over again, it seems pathetic that I have not moved and crying about something that was a very long time ago. Because I was always in denial and therefor count not mourn. To be in denial is to remain/prolong the pain & hurt, and ultimately the freedom, new dawn or beginning of better days that will come with acceptance.

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I am tired of playing it cool and keeping it together… I can’t continue to seem unfazed and understanding while I die inside.

16:10

Having 2 men I currently love the most in the world reject me on the same day is the most painful moment of my adult life thus far…S and Dad. I wish I could stop crying (I cried as I wrote this riding in a cab, at a coffee shop 2 hours prior to this, and on a plane a few hours later), but at the same time I appreciate this vulnerable side of me, because I am being honest for the first time about what it is I really feel. I wish these feelings could find an appropriate platform to come out.

The psycho analysis process has gotten me wondering if the little girl who has done everything right to please daddy, is now feeling lost when daddy rejects here,  regardless of how good she has been .

What’s going on!!!

Okay… I am gonna try and put it into words, this blog is gonna be a lot of rumble, whining, and might not make sense most of the time, but this is where I am right now. Generally I am feeling incredibly lonely in the world, everything I watch and read makes me cry… partly due to PMS, but this has to be the worst case of PMS I have ever experienced.

I sit and look back at the last 15 years, and this is not how I envisaged my life to be, completely alienated from my family, having no one, I mean I could die in my apartment and it would take a while for anyone to realise it. I think my family relationship is what makes all this even worse, even ten years ago, I would have thought my life would be much fuller and not as empty as it seems now.

Besides the family, the lack of any romantic relation or close friend who will hold my hand through it all, I spent most of Sunday crying, angry at life, at myself, beating myself up about everything, how I found myself here… where it all went wrong. And mostly realizing that I am sick of keeping it together and being strong, I am a tough cookie, I can’t even cry in public, I deny my feelings, especially where it is clear the other half isn’t worthy, I toughen up and keep walking, while dying, missing, longing inside, to the extent that man I have been with, have concluded that, I really don’t fall flat on my face, because I still walk when I think it’s bulshit, without showing any sign of weakness or pain, like its all good. Because that is the only way I know how to, I don’t know how to cry and beg anyone who doesn’t want to be in my life to stay, I have too much pride, over time I have begun to lie to myself, and definitely to friends who expect me to keep it together.

The truth is, I am scared, I miss some people, a lot, lone in particular, If a chance to be with him was ever presented, I’d grab it, I can’t tell them all this though, but I do feel so. And I dismiss people soo easy, friends, family, men in my life, I am patient in other respects, but at the same time I am intolerant of certain things, I opt out of things and situations, I am scared of conflicts, I shy away from these, I hate fighting with people, my solution for almost a lot of things in my life is to bounce!  My justification is that I cannot allow situations or people to affect me that way, if I can do something about it, I do not tolerate it, I’d rather be miserable or unhappy by myself due to things I cant help, not because of situations I can control or choose to be in.

The past few days, has seen me come to a realization that I am terrified, about a lot, about where I am, who I do not have, the state of uncertainty that I am in regarding the future, and by the future I mean the next four months of my life, I come home and look around my empty apartment, rooms I do not even use, and the fact that I do not even know what to do with regards to my family, I actually had to ask my sister to never get in touch with me recently. Having spent the last ten years taking care of everything and everyone, making their issues mine, she has been a major source of stress, that during easter when I went to see some of my family, I came home earlier than anticipated and started looking for a shrink… I found myself curled up at the backseat of my car, at a garage, cause I decided to drive as tired as I was, in the middle of the nights, terrified as I was, sleeping at petrol stations.. crying, scared, just needing someone to hold me, or talk to me on the phone… and the only person I felt could, was in Malaysia and sleeping I guess.

I know this post doesn’t make sense, so is my life…. I am freaked out about 30 and disconnected from everything… what makes it harder for me I guess, its cause, like I said a while ago, my mission statement is ‘growth and connection’, that is what I live for, but reaching 30 and having no one, absolutely no one, and needing to be taken care of for once in my life, feeling angry and feeling like I have played a major part in my ending up here, justified or not… wishing I could go back to high school, maybe keep in touch with those people, who would still be in my life. The fact that I am a closed person, and do not fully let people in doesn’t help. A friend in London sat with me till 3am one evening, telling me how he loves me and its okay to let someone in,  and recently I remembered that conversation and 2 days ago he was the only person I really wanted to talk to, but he was in Antigua on holiday.

I just want to disappear most of the time, I want to throw things, scream, cry all the time… frankly I do not even know what is going on, all the stuff I have just said, is my attempt at diagnosing myself. And what makes it worse is that, the one person who I have grown fond of as he was becoming a very important part of my life, it is also becoming apparent that due to all sorts, he will just be that guy and nothing more. You  know what, never mind this post, there is a lot I felt a few days ago and was gonna get it all out of my system… but now I can’t… of late I am having difficulty expressing myself even on here, as safe as I felt this place was, something is not right.

30 on the 30th, less the 30 countries target - part two

I think I got it, I know what it was I wanted to say…

I don’t know what this blog is about or where it’s going, I am all emotional, growing old, PMS… I dunno, but bear with me, I am just gonna throw it all into this laptop…it won’t make sense, but u will see where my head is

I am transfixed in time, a specific moment that I just can’t let go… 2005-2006, those were the best years of my life.. . that is London by the way, and people have moved on, relocated, grown, things have changed, and those years are gone, can never be relived. The networks, associations, the friendships, adventure… most importantly I think the co-workers I had, are all still so close, although 70 percent of us left the organization, we still have pay day socials, attend someone’s leaving do, mostly a person we have never met and worked with, but who came later, Christmas do’s.

Like I said, I dunno why… but I find that I am stuck in the middle, of what I dunno… and can’t seem to be able to lift my feet off the ground so I can walk on, part of me just wants to run back, to my 20s I dunno, they were great, and they are soon to be gone, and I am somehow stuck on those specific moments that made the 20s wow…

And for the first time, the uncertainty that I soo love about my life scares me, the things I have been feeling and thinking of late scare me… like there is something that took over my body, and it’s not me… frankly I dunno what’s up, my heart is heavy, am emotional, unsure (prolly PMS), scared, but at the same time don’t care, and just walking into whatever…

Never thought, I am one to freak out about growing old like I have heard most people do… but this is different, and I am not sure how to deal with it, or what to expect on the other side… and I am uncertain about EVERYTHING, that isn’t news at all, but this time it’s not nice. Particularly with soo much pressure to decide soon what happens, I need to decide in a month where I wanna live, I mean the continent that is… and for the first time, it is the hardest decision, the current financial crisis makes it harder than ever… and I am diving deeper into isolation, of friendship, kinship, etc… detachment has become second nature to me… for all sorts of reasons,

30 on the 30th, less the 30 countries target - part one

Good day good people, I know it has been a while since I wrote properly …last I was in Europe and now in Africa, as always, a lot  has happened, and a lot more coming… safe to say, I am in a good place…l will update as I go along.

I find myself thinking,  if not playing India Arie’s  ‘I choose’… particularly  the first line where  she says ‘here I am now looking at 30 and I got so much to say’…

I had planned to have a party in Tuscany, because I felt like I had to make it big, and wear that dress I bought in 2006 still with price tag.  Plus a friend talked me into it, about a year ago, insisted it had to be and it would have been a grand idea… although the loner in me really wanted to be alone in some secluded place, even retreat, that is what I had envisaged more than 2 years ago. Alone I shall be.

The truth is, I am not sure how to feel, I am getting what I wanted, I will be spending some alone time in the jungle for 4 days, maybe catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in 15 yrs. I had been searching for a retreat place, I need it…where I can be still and inside myself, my thoughts, my heart  and connecting with nature. I have been searching for months, even a yoga retreat for that matter. Following my journey to maternal family during Easter, when I decided it’s time to put some issues to rest and saw them for the first time after more than 10 years, an old junior high mate got my number and gave it to my old friend. And that is how we reconnected after 15 years, as a manager of a game lodge I took the offer of coming to spend some time in the jungle. Seeing I had been searching  for a while, it only seemed perfect to do it now.

Following the four days at the Kruger National Park, I am driving across to Mozambique alone for another four days, I am scared as hell… I have journeyed  throughout the globe, taken risks, etc… but it was always safer, and I flew to these places, used trains, taxis, and buses within tourist parameters, and if I drive it is always with friends in those countries, who can drive on the right side of the road, and never in Africa on my own, reminds me I need to check which side of the road they drive in Mozambique…. Now I am flying 2 hours from the Cape to Nelspruit Kruger,  then drive down to the Kruger, spend some time there but mostly in stillness/meditative mode and game drives, then I embark on the drive over the border, and apparently u might get difficulty at border, and need a lot of money for bribery, I have never crossed the border by road ever (well  except when I travelled with parents as a child). I have to say, for the first time in my life, I am very frightened about this travel, and are aware anything might happen, but I am also excited and look forward to the adventure and whatever happens. The plan is to spend another 4 days there, mainly in Maputo and drive round surrounding areas, they have awesome beaches, white sands, sadly its winter, but hopefully warmer than here, I am under a heater now and  it is raining, cloudy all the time.

I had a lot to say about growing old, and what has been going on in my head and heart… but somehow I can’t think… maybe another post.