Forgiveness and Letting Go!!!
phew where do i start, i’m feeling a bit too ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ today, eventually decided to finish Mitch’s second non-fiction, ‘Have a little Faith’ and spent the next few hours googling about it and one of the characters Henry Covington, to find out he died last December. from one link, to a video, to the next i landed back on Tuesday’s with Morrie. i felt like i needed to re-learn all these lessons from the book, i read it a while ago, then decided to watch the film as a way to get me back there, but still not the same, i’m gonna dig out the book in my garage, hope its still there.
anyway, i digress, while reading ‘have a little faith’ it got me thinking about somethings i have been battling with of late, to the extent that these things are now standing it the way of my chance to finding peace and be happy. I always knew i had issues letting go, but not to this degree, where it paralyses me and make it feels like my life just stops, and it’s impossible to go on.
this follows weeks of dwelling on judgement and judging. i spent the last couple of weeks and months thinking about how we easily judge others, directly and indirectly. this had become a big issue with me because i had been battling and dealing with judgement, or the fear of it. i had been afraid to own up to some of my choices and decisions because i feared the judgement of friends, it killed me, i doubted myself and some of these decisions i make, only because of others. i forgot to live for just me, and do what felt right then, a motto i had lived by for a long time. and suddenly it mattered more what my friends thought or said, the reason why this bothered me its simply because, i would have said the same things to them if the situation were reversed. it is because i would have been that judgmental myself had i been on their shoes. this really got me thinking about it a lot. and realised how i judge so quickly without really knowing or understanding, i judgefrom the outside a lot , we all do. and for once i learnt to stop and understand rather that cast judgement, as much as i was being judged a lot, i understood that i am in no position to judge which i don’t fully understand or know, and to fully know i had to be inside the story, and as long as i am standing out here, ‘who am i to judge’, i am in no position to do so. this went hand in hand with respect for the other person and the decisions they make, because by judging i am claiming to know better than them, and do not value their knowledge and choices, i don’t respect them. why do we feel the need to judge others, mostly by our standards, not theirs? what makes you think you are in a possession to judge?
weeks of moulding over judgement, i had to deal with forgiveness and letting go, fully letting go, and fully forgiving today when i can. re-visiting Mitch Albom’s work brought me back there. of late i knew i needed to step back and reflect, so much had gone down in the last few months that i needed time for this, and the only way to get back there was to read these types of books again, the types that reminded me what was truly important right now. and i am dealing with these two issues right now, because i realise i have to get to it right now, today, for my own good, and to break these chains that are bounding me, to get out of this rut i am in right now.
its a process i know, the first assignment is to learn how to let go, let it all go, free myself from the pain, hurt, and anger which makes it hard for me to forgive, i don’t expect to forget, but i have a choice, to stay here in the anger and pain, and be stuck in it, or choose love, hope and forgiveness. cause to be honest, these are the two alternatives, and to me there is only one choice to make. it’s hard, i am hard headed, i am really stubborn, but i am also tired of what this is doing to me, and i reached a new phase in my life, it will never be as i know it, for a while i battled with this reality, still am, but slowly embracing the new possibilities.
i am going to be a mother in a few months, this changes everything i know about my life, everything, sometimes i am scared and not sure if i will do it well, or if i can do it at all. some times all i can do is cry, it feels like mourning my life, saying goodbye to it, but not really able to bid it bye cause i am exhausted, endlessly feeling unwell, it’s physically and emotionally challenging for me. and what do you know, it was no surprised, it was planned, but i don’t think i was prepared for what it means, still am not, i was extremely excited initially when i found out, then the reality of what this truly means and the effects of all this hitting me, all the changes that i battle with, the biggest challenge for me being food. i have never been a fan of food, for years eating regularly has been a challenge, without the added stress of needing to get certain amoounts of nutrients a day and being unable to eat half of what i ate before on my veggie diet, i have so many food aversions with no cravings, zero cravings, to the extent that a dietitian is necessary, being vegetarian is hard right now, when i can’t stand tofu, lentils or a whole lot of what i ate before, i am left with very little. if i could stand the idea of meat, i’d eat it right now for my health and the health of the baby, but i cant even think of it.
anyhoo, this was not suppose to be about my diet or looming motherhood, but about letting go and forgiveness.these r the biggest abilities i need to master right now.
The last few weeks have seen me question, search, hurt, cry, battle with my mind and heart. That right now, i am not quite sure what, why or how? You know, just when i think i got it, when i think i can get through it, i am left question my principles, my ability to judge, and really not sure when you know wether its enough or not.
i am now trying to trust again, forgive and dealing with the pain and hurt that is still there, after all said and done. moving forward, etc… it is hard to get past this space, where i feel betrayed, hurt, and confused…but in faith i still walk forward, choosing to love some more, again, and again and hoping that soon love will heal the pain… and that i will trust again. counselling is also helping to shape our minds and am learning some of the biggest lessons about love, life, partnership,…
and just when i think i know which direction i am headed, my head start wondering about what has been, wondering if we all have one true love in a lifetime and everything else never compares to that. and wondering if that is the case with me? thinking way back to another life…wondering if i am settling right here… i allowed my mind to really travell, to places it had no business going to…and its like i thought it all to life…its strange…. and now i am left thinking, What is this? i don’t understand it… why now, today, is life so messed up? it it playing crazy tricks with me? what is the point?
and as i ask all these questions, i force myself back to the present, remind self of promises made, choices , etc… i then continue moving on.
State of uncertainty
I know its been a loong while. Another year came and almost gone, i still cant believe its April. I have been drowning in MBA since last September, all the novelty of an ‘MBA’ and the glamour is gone, this is some real work. Between jet setting, managing my studies, and maintaining a balanced home life, and stressing about making income, as this MBA stuff aint cheap, life has been moving on. Learning everyday, from everything, every experience is an opportunity to learn, some lessons i grasp very quick while others have to be drilled into my head a few times before i can say ‘ohh i get it’.
Anyhoo, i am at a crossroad, how do u really really know this is it, can you ever be sure, i am already thinking of children etc, but sadly i do not see both parents in the near future. There has been a lot of yanking and all sorts, and i fought hard to hold oh despite torrential rains and storm, i clung on. But maybe i am tired now, i probably clung on in hopes that it shall pass very soon, that this is just a phase, my winter, soon spring shall sprung, but now, i am not sure at all. i am in a huge state of uncertainty and praying hard that i find the clarity i need to know what to do and the strength i need to execute it. I am not sure if this is surrendering, but i am willing to walk away, content in the knowledge that there is nothing more i could have done without loosing myself in the process.
The engagement
Yes, that’s right…. over a week ago, i said yes, yes i will marry him.
I know i have been MIA oh here, soo much has been happening, i am still jet setting as always, i am now in SA for a few weeks with my fiancee. We spent sometime with his family in August/ September , i can now say my french has gotten far better since. Well my future mom in law speaks no English, and the dad very little, and the uncles, brothers, sisters, aunties, cousins, nephews, nieces , driver, helpers and ALL speak french, and i met ALL of them. Was mixed feelings at times, the feeling of being left out, when he was catching up with people he hadn’t seen in years, and due to language or when the pressure of trying to impress the mother became too much, i opted for isolation.
But it was great, they were lovely people, different from where i come from, but great non the less. I eventually got tired of declining the future father in law’s offer to share a beer with him, i sad yes once, cause i was tired of saying no everyday over dinner. The mother went all out with the veggie meals, she knew in advance and tried a lot of things for me. They made me very lovely Beninise outfits. It was very special, and on our last days they called us in private and talked to the 2 of us, although he had to translate a lot of our convos. Told us they loved what we are doing, and they can see a lot of love between the 2 of us, want us to grow stronger together, and stick it out, talk, share. Generally good advise, saying we love you both together and want to see it work, and even discussing when they will send a delegation to my family for LOBOLA (dowry), although the mom, tried to be smart by saying ”hey their daughter in law is vegetarian so no sending cows”, and when i claimed the cows would be for the milk, she said no i eat soya milk:)
Fast forward to today, we still are working at things, everyday, and are planning our future together, i am wearing a diamond ring right now, its gorgeous ya’ll. He proposed at the beach, and this Saturday we are having a little ceremony for formalities at the beach again, with the big thing planned for end of next year.
Started the MBA in September, so it has been hectic, planing a move back to SA or do the SA and Dubai for a while, had to make few changes to our careers, his in particular, because it kept us apart far too long, after weeks of stress, uncertainties with jobs, and negotiations, we found an arrangement that accommodates our lifestyle choices. things seem to be moving too fast, mostly cause of circumstances, visa, etc… somethings have to be done sooner. But still this is where we want to be, although its work every day.
And yeah, this is happening, to me.. its so surreal, i have seen this happen to other girls, and never though it could be me.
100 things about me – revised over 3 yrs later
1.I’ve got gold locks.
2. Obsessed with shoes and handbags… I mean it is mad.
3. Can’t live without my music, I am totally lost without it… especially neo-soul.
4. Don’t watch or own TV, I think it is rubbish. a bit of telly now and then, films that is, and i tend to spend sometime with the other half in front of it. if it were for me, still i wouldn’t own one:)
5. I’d spend a quarter of my salary on books, I spend £100 shipping 20kg of books to SA, and they cost less. i find that i am not reading nearly half as much, i still purchase a lot of them, but struggling to get back onto it.
6. Allergic to garlic, dislike cheese …slight allergy
7. I love Mexican, roast Chicken, spicy foods. am now vegetarian, going to 3 years, it is rice and ratatouille now
8. Don’t take fi zzy drinks, it has to be 100 percent fruit juice, don’t drink enough or any water. working on this, and drinking a bit more water than i did before, so i think!
9. Hate dark chocolate, prefer white or milky, i have a sweet tooth and lurve jelly babies.
10. Never been on any diet, incapable of gaining weight even if I want… had a nickname as a child for being skinny, it runs in the family. actually, yeah those love handles could dissapear
11. All I ever wanted as a kid was to gain weight and be normal.
12. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t adopted, used to have re-occurring dreams about it a few years ago.
13. Don’t drink alcohol or smoke. started of with these cocktails, pina colada & sex on the beach ( i make the best Pina Colada), now slowly becoming a wine connoisseur, i still blame the other half for my drinking habits. although i don’t think i can graduate to beer, still wine and cocktail.
14. I worry all the time.
15. I obsess about little things too much and over analyse things most times.
16. Been living on my own since 17. i have been sharing my space for almost a year now
17. Bought my first (and only) property at 23.
18. Hopeless romantic and sensual, i’m impressed with the little insignificant details about people.
19. Never had a one night stand.
20. Am addicted to herbal tea (especially green tea, which i take with sugar), after coming off coffee (used to do 15 mugs a day).
21. I am a proud owner of a brown vibrator (just couldn’t stand a pink one), and some porn which I purchased at HMV (my most embarrassing shopping experience)… I think every woman should.
22. I suck at singing and sing all the time, renowned for this at all my former jobs.
23. I like walking bare feet at the office, ‘cause I think I have cute feet or maybe cause my stilettos are uncomfortable.
24. am about 5’10 but lurve my stilettos.
25. I am extremely slim a British size 6, US 4 and 32 DD/ E cup, that I’ve often been accused of faking it.
26. I hate my chest as it is way too heavy for me, and messes my posture.
27. I speak about 9/10 of the South African official languages, probably 2 percent of population can claim similar linguistic skills…a true South African. learning french and wolof
28. I have a tendency of rehearsing my thoughts out loud walking in public, especially when something is bugging me.
29. I can be very naïve.
30. I trust easily and I believe in love, but once betrayed…i have difficulty ever forgiving.
31. Am a daddy’s girl.
32. Not very close to my mother, as we are one and the same. growing closer, although slow
33. I didn’t know, there were people who can’t cook until I met one of my exes at 22.
34. Had 3 surgeries, (i) a finger amputated when I was 8, after an accident, (ii) a hysteroscopy, endometrial polypectomy, laporoscopy plus/minus diathermy on my womb and uterus 4 months ago, (iii) and a lemon size giant fibroadenoma removed on my right breast 11 months ago.
35. Am a day dreamer… i get startled easily, even when am aware someone is in the room, I float away to another world.
36. I value honesty more than anything, sometimes am too honest.
37. I have major problems letting go or saying good bye to things and people.
38. I am very picky about everything. even worse now
39. Am very sentimental, I keep the most ridiculous of things.
40. Grounded and spiritual.
41. I went through some serious shit in my life:
42. Physically abused at 8…still have scars.
43. Raped at 16…, i could never tell anyone for 2 weeks, and confided to 2 high school friends, told an ex 3 years ago, and another 2 moths ago as he was dumping me… and now the whole word, WOW. I remember how i felt it was my fault and i had asked for it. i can now easily talk about it, and recenclty told a family member.
44. Suicide attempt at 17/18…depression had brought suicidal thughts in the last 3 years
45. At 21 when the family broke down, was busy with final year of post grad and daddy went into a comma, had to take up my mother’s role…and figure a way to finance my own studies, it took a lot from me and was the final straw…dunno how i made it, but i did.
46. I believe in Miracles, as I have seen one.
47. Went to a public school in which year… i was one of the only 3 scholars who qualified to get into University in the entire school…same year as the suicide attempt and no school for 4 moths due to political/border disputes, only time i used TV’s learning Chanel.
48. When people see me they think I had it easy…as I hold my own, and had to work harder that the rest to get where I am…kick arse, scream, and refuse to take no for an answer,.. all by myself… with no one to run to for comfort now and then. Had to be strong not to let all these mess me up
49. Am a loner, used to it, at this point I even prefer it.
50. Am a perfectionist…very detailed, sometimes over explain things.
51. I aspire to be a writer… and retire in a Tuscany style villa…or somewhere in Mexico. Am obsessed about Mexico…
52. I am always undermined, overlooked and under estimated cause my looks and my fun loving nature don’t really fit the smart, intelligent, arse kicking lady.
53. Those who get to know me professionally, learn to respect me, but find it hard as I am laid back and can be hyperactive.
54. I refuse to change my look to accommodate the corporate world, this has made life difficult for me… but this is me.
55. I am a very closed person, i find it hard to open up…as I grew up a loner. i now share with my partner
56. The only person I rely on is me and no one else, as I trust only me. i trust another now, and count on another
57. I love ethnicity, from decor to clothing. and change my look often, but still mantain ethinic accesories
58. I value my education more than anything… got 3 degrees, a graduate in politics and law, tourism management, project management. currently busy with other studies, and intend to do some studied in the US/Canada within the next 3-5 years. I’d kill anyone who comes between me and my studies… last time anyone threatened that while i was 18, it resulted in an attempted suicide. now on number four, an Excecutive MBA with a British institution
59. Am short sighted, I wear contact lenses.
60. I have a younger brother and a younger sister… lurve my sis to bits.
61. I didn’t know how to apply foundation until I was 21.
62. I can’t apply mascara still…
63. The only make up I apply is foundation and lip stick…sometimes eye shadow. lipgloss and that is it, unless on a night out i might add shad0w, but i keep my face natural besides lips
64. I love The Body Shop’s products…their vanilla range and tea tree oil…i vouch on it. now into their sea weed range, i love love them
65. I spend more on cosmetic than I do on food, per week.
66. I don’t eat well…am a lazy eater, unless I am fed, I don’t eat. being vegetarian was designed to change that, and i eat better.
67. Am a Revlon Girl.
68. I consider myself intelligent, strong, self sufficient and foxy.
69. When I want something I will make sure I get it.
70. Ambitious, driven, very determined and a natural fighter.
71. I collect teddy bears from lovers, i have one for almost every boyfriend i have had…my most precious in Samantha, have had her since i was about 12 or so. have not in a while
72. Sometimes all I need is to be weak for a while…am human after all.
73. Am a good dancer and I lurve dancing…especially with a good partner.
74. I lurve the outdoor. I enjoy hiking, long walks, jogging, yoga .
75. I’m flexible, i can bend my body into funny posture.. thanx to yoga…while waiting on a queue, i do standing and balancing yoga postures.
76. I love philosophy (and i don’t mean psychology)… I think I should have been a shrink or something, or a soul writer,…i found a connection between the 2.
77. I am versatile…have done a 360 degrees in my career.
78. Am very sensitive, giving, accommodating, supportive, compassionate and have a possessive nature i hide very well.
79. Things that make me cry are abused children and woman, Africa, the third world…and the feeling that i can’t do anything to help the needy, but live a selfish life. i can’t watch any programme depicting the suffering of children… any suffering. Anyone who sexually abuses kids i’d personally chop their manhood, if i were president of the world.
80. I feel helpless when i am vulnerable…it’s a state i hate being in.
81. Contrary to popular believe am very quiet and keep to myself.
82. A while ago one of those psychometric tests were done and discovered i am both extremes, introvert and extrovert… a unique combination. I told them I am complicated.
83. I am insomniac… 3-5 hours of sleep will do for me, been like this since I was young.
84. Have been in emotionally abusive relationships.
85. A high school sweetheart slapped me once, this has never been repeated.
86. I am stubborn and very pushy… it is the only way I get things done, as I am seen as a young black woman, people tend to try and push their luck.
87. Am very patient, something I have recently learned about myself, but i can be dismissive.
88. My favourite flowers are carnations, which I usually buy for myself… haven’t received a bunch of any in while..ohh a gentleman gave me a bunch in December for being late.
89. I hate anything fake, superficial people or behaviour, i love everything in it’s natural state.. that is true beauty for me. i keeps it real.
90. I hate chauvinists, am intolerant of ignorant and narrow minded people…they don’t exist in my world.
91. I wanna learn how to play piano… tried years ago, also wanna try ballroom dancing and karate again. have been learning salsa
92. Dunno about marriage and kids… it has been a confusing issue for me.
93. Don’t do regrets at all…given a second chance, I’d do everything exactly the same way.
94. Love travel, history and learning new cultures. i tend to visit churches, castles, museums, galleries, when on holidays.. i hate resort or beach holidays, they are pointless for me. i can do reasort now and then
95. I’m a long way from where I could be… every time it gets tough, I look back and realise damn…
96. I express myself through my poetry…am not a creative rather, an emotional writer…I write from the heart.
97. My friends are the closest thing to me, and valued soo much.. they are like family. growing closer to my family
98. I am extremely independent… sometimes to my detriment. now have another, and i am slowly learning to relly on
99. I believe I have a strong connection with water… especially waterfalls and lakes…therein I find inner peace and strength.
100. I too have issues just like we all do.
101. I am simply me… mostly misunderstood, as am too complicated and I get lost at times… but never confused of where I am going. Am patriotic…and subscribe to the plain English campaign, it takes more than 100 things to describe me.
Not about how much you can take, but about how much you can give…
A quick update on the last few months, if can even do that in a few paragraphs.
My life, as always, is full of drama and emotionally charging at times. Since moving to Dubai in January, I have spent 6 weeks in SA, not necessarily by choice to be out the for that long, where I was in a terrible car accident (thank God I walked out of it unharmed). As I was wondering why the hell am I here longer than excepted, my uncle died, the universe knew this was coming and I was kept in SA for his funeral, back in April. It was also what I needed at that time, to connect with families, and people in my life I had lost touch with. It brought the family together, its sad that it takes moments like these to connect people, most I hadn’t seen in at least 10 years, and I needed to go back to my centre, and saw my dad for the first time in a long time. The strange thing is 20 minutes before my uncle died, I am the first one who was called and told he is bad, I was 2000kms away and tried all to get someone to go there and get him to hospital and possibly save his life, but no one got there in time… for days, I kept thinking maybe if I made that call to the right person, he would be alive, and was angry at my dad for not reacting on time, when I rang him first. But it’s done, it had to be, God knows why!
I have spend 2 months in Dakar -Senegal, I am currently there right now for another 2 months stint, with a 2 weeks trip to Benin to meet the future in laws in between. I have been learning French, I had to do it to survive Dakar, its been and still is an experience. I spent the first half of the world cup in Dakar and the second half in Dubai. At the same time Dubai has been something, I have seen its ugly sides, you can read more on my Gulf Explored blog. I had to run away from the heat there, 50 degrees Celsius 8 days ago when I left, although people whine about heat this part of Africa, they aint seen jack. I caught Malaria in West Africa, thankfully a minor case, and only found out when I emailed my future mother in law in French telling her that I think it’s the lack of iron and protein due to my veggie diet, and she knew instantly as a medical expert.
I have been working part time as a business consultant, keeps me partially busy and going well, although it can be slow and of late I have been lacking motivation, its hard to work at home at your own pace. Since its a few days a week for a few months, I set terms, etc… and one of them was flexible working arrangements. Which allows me to trek round the globe with my other half, I can work from anywhere.
I am starting grad school in September, I went through the process of attending info sessions, spent 3 months researching institutions, applied to a few I identified and found suitable for me, went through interview process, the painful process off hounding my references to fill all these forms and got accepted to all. Then the money issue, I settled for a good institution that is part of the FT top 100 and has campuses in Dubai, affordable fees in comparison to LBS( London Business School) which is the top ranked MBA in the globe, but I couldn’t afford without a sponsor. So yeah come September I am a grad student, embarking on my 2 years Executive MBA programme, exciting moments ahead. With a move to Europe or SA looming so we can begin making long term plans and putting down some roots, I will have to travel to Dubai every month to continue my studies. And this is the most important thing to me right now, so it will have to be. Those who have been reading my blog will know thus much.
Suffering from what I believe to be a minor case of major depression (self diagnosed).
My relationship has been growing each day, faced countless challenges, having to swim through the circumstances, and I have learned hard lessons about love. At some point I had to question if I am made for spending my life with another, sharing my space, being in a relationship etc… IT IS HARD WORK Y’All. The compromises, the different personality, balancing individuality and building a life with another is not easy. There have been moments when we both were cracking under the stress of constantly being on the move, life, jobs, visas, but we always never forgot what brought us together in the first place and what this is. We now have made sure that our careers allow us to be together, because there were too many times in the last few months when we had to be separated due to work and circumstances, and seemed like I particularly went though life’s trials when he was not around, which made the simple things even seem bigger. But, right now, even if it means paying lump sums of money to fly to where the other is, we make it work.
That said, I sometimes sit and wonder, how do u really really know, this is the one, particularly in those moments of strain, when he is on the phone cross continent and I am longing for his embrace soo much that I struggle to see anything positive in everything, that is depression for you. You ask why depression, a lot of the moves, the compromises, the feeling that I lost myself in the process of being a couple, the reality of sharing your life with another, the stressful job hunt process and having to settle on that front, the battle to adjust to the conservative man’s world that Dubai is. The strange places, people, languages, foods and diseases I had to endure, finding myself in places I do not want to be, but have to be because circumstances require me to. The fear that I might have made bad decisions and feeling stuck. But I have the greatest support system, he is there always…he is the source of my joy…he loves me in ways I didn’t think any human being could be loved, he fights for us even when my stubborn self is willing to walk away. He’d move anywhere I want to be, willing to give as much as I gave to this relationship, will do anything to make me happy. I cannot wait for the day that I officially am his wife and he is my husband and we give birth and raise little Malaika and her sibling (it better be a girl, cause that is my first born child’s name). i have experienced things and a man in ways I could have never dreamt I would. I have learnt that love is not about how much you can take, but that authentic love is about how much you can give.
its about time
Well it has been a while, and too much has happened, including moving domain, loosing most of my blogs, as you can see, the only back up i had was from way back in Jan 2009, a whole year is missing, thankfully i wasn’t blogging as frequent. itws still a loss, even for my own benefit, these are truly reflections for me, coming back here now and then gives me a better perspective of things.
Anyhoo, i still have these posts, and it has been a learning process for me.
Will be updating soon, it has just been a bit mad right now
The calm before the storm
Funny how, only now I am beginning to understand the cyclical nature of my existence, its always gonna be this way. Just like the seasons of the year, spring is sure to follow winter, and so forth. The storm will come, I mean torrential rains, causing havoc and destruction, and then as the flowers outside begin to blossom, I shall see a ray of blueness, just like in Noah’s ark, and I will know.
Reaching this level o understanding about my life, is a great lessons, because now I know, that in summer I shall have to stock up for storm to follow, I need to prepare for it. Because the truth is, it is never gonna be OK, not all of it, the storm is guaranteed, and sure is the calm. I needed to fully understand that, and that is enough to keep me smiling with the care free attitude, which a friend called denial, but I don’t see it as that, it’s the knowledge that I may not be sure of the exact details on how this chapter is gonna turn out, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that, It’s gonna end on a happy note.
So, during those nights when I’m not watching and listening to the rain outside, I’d kneel down at 4 am, and call to whoever or whatever is out there, to give me a dose of hope, when I feel like I am running low on that. I don’t ask for this to be worked out, whichever way I think it should, I just ask for the strength to carry on and a few gallons of hope to keep me sane, until spring. Just knowing that something is brewing out there, is good enough, but I can tell u this, when people keep asking all sorts of questions, u don’t have answers to, its easy to loose faith. The truth is, even if I am not sure this road I am on will continue, i need to keep walking forward. That is the true nature of faith, not knowing how or if the road you are travelling is gonna take u where u need to be, but keep going. And it’s not even about, using clichés like, ‘it’s gonna be OK’, jut to make u feel better, it’s about really believing in the unwavering truth that, this just like all the other winters of my life, shall pass, even if you can’t see it at that time, you need to believe it, really believe it, or else u will loose your sanity. Even the day after tomorrow, will one day be yesterday.
So, its all about re-focusing, re-affirming, re-dedicating and re-linquishing all doubts. It’s been an amazing period for me, letting go of a lot of hurt from years of feeling sorry for self, and blaming myself and others, at times I have stop and ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me, why am I okay about all this? I should be a mess, not smiling.
And on a different t note, I am learning that there is a thin line between what a person is and what they do or how they act, those are 2 different things. I am a firm believer in respecting and accepting people for who they are, particularly so in relationships, I tend to be dismissive of characters and personalities I know won’t work with me. I know, who I am, and what I want, and very quick to identify what it is I do not want. But have recently learned that, we are all learning as we go along, and some of the things I had dismissed as being part of one’s character, might be a case of not knowing better. For example, I have dismissed someone because of certain personality traits, because I believed that is who he is, but have recently learned that, that wasn’t who he was, it simply was learned behaviour because he didn’t know better, and once he understood that he could be a better person by changing the way he reacted to certain things he was willing to be better.
I therefore, have to know the difference between the 2, as I too, do not know a lot of things, and the men who have come through my doors, have taught me a lot. So I am having to learn to be patient and give people a chance.
What If?
I wrote this on the 1st of December, as I embarked on a journey, I wrote it because I went on a poetry site, searching for something that would speak to me and where I was at that moment, I’ve browsed through loads of poems, and none spoke to me, and I figured ohh well I better write something myself that would speak to me in that way, and post it on there, and hopefully someone like me who’s in need of a piece that captured the essence of where they were, and I did. Only weeks later I read it and thought wow, and It and it had served its purpose.
Although, somewhere along the way, I put writing the book aside and focused on dealing with some things internally, it’s amazing, I stopped denying how things were, and how I felt about a lot o relationships, family, man, friendship and the universe. Once I accepted, some of these relations for what they truly meant to me, and not what in wanted them to be, it was easy from there.
What if 01/12/08
I wonder how things could be right now, if only I…
Would you have loved me more if I promised to stay by your side?
Would you have declared that love…?
If I was less ambitious and more needy, would I still be your woman?
What if my idea of love meant worshipping the ground that you walk on…?
Would that guarantee a life of waking to your arms each morning?
I mean, what if things turned out differently, I left a mere few months later…
Where would I be…? Or where would we be?
Did I not love you the right way?
Or was it not enough? What more could I have given?
I loved you the only way I know how to.
And maybe that was not enough for you.
But i still harbour what ifs?
If I had given in?
If I had begged you that evening?
Said you are the only thing that made sense in my life?!
Said my life is incomplete without you?
Said we could do this on your terms?!
As long as I can be guaranteed
The warmth of your embrace each night when I turn on to my left.
The feel of your arms across the table over dinner.
The sound of your voice calling my name, in an attempt to reprimand me.
The chance to look into your eyes and find the answer.
I wonder if the sacrifice was worth it…
My independence, dreams, sanity and sense of self worthy
vs
The comfort of waking up in your arms each morning.
Would you have stayed with me through it all?
What if all that drove me to the edge
would you have stuck around more?
If I worshiped you a bit more…
what would have ensued?
But the biggest mystery is, what if I never met you at all?
Some work to be done
For the next few weeks, I will be and I am working on that long overdue book of mine, I know I am ready for it.. and already had 2 other titles in the pipeline.. if I could, I would work on all three of them at the same time, while I am still very enthusiastic about it. Although this is a very painful one to write, for a week now, I have been stuck on one particular moment in the past, I chose to block it off my memory bank, and this forces me to go back and relieve it, and i find it hard to do so. Honestly for over a week now, I am stuck on those few hours, that cold night. I allow myself sometime to go back there and describe in 2-3 lines, and bring myself to the present as soon as I can. And then I have to do it all again another day, by today I will be done with it.
It’s a journey and I realise that for some of the parts I need to get some diaries, pictures from my garage in SA, and need to be in certain surroundings to remember it well…its amazing how it was so easy o recall events that occurred around 1985-1987, but I find some stuff in the 90’s hard to recall… it’s exciting and daunting. I have been liaising with a published author friend of mine, who wrote some of the most moving memoirs, because I found the transition between the present and the past, then back to the present hard, it has been great getting advise from her. This book forces me to go back to places and stuff I just never dealt with, and I find it hard to decide with voice comes through, the 16 or 29 year old voice? Do I focus on that teenager, and how she felt and thought about things then, without the wise young woman’s mature view on it?
I had a title picked up years ago, and worked on the structure, and chapters about 2 years ago already, but the book is changing, even though I have the second phase of the title, I can already see that I will have to change that when it’s done, the initial title was ‘My London Years’, but then there were parts of my past that needed to be told to emphasise the significance of those years so I decided on “My London Years: Memoirs of a ‘Kaffir’” there are different views on the title, I will discus my reasoning behind it on another day. This will take a few years to work on, but I am happy I have a few pages written.
Besides the book, I have decided on solitude for a while, I have some work to do, internally and externally… I tend to go into hibernation now and then, now seems like the best time for it, plus the weather just make u wanna. Some of my friend aren’t happy because whenever they ask me, what the hell is going on and what do I mean I wanna stay at home alone work on things, I just don’t want to talk about it. All I can say, is that I am not sure what is going on, but soon as I figure it out, I will fill them in. All I know is that I need this time, away from the online social networks, work, the world… I’d be reading, meditating, writing, and working on some stuff that came to my attention about 2 weeks ago and need to be dealt with…I will probably also be away from this place for a while, if I could temporary deactivate the blog like I did with all the facebooks, ect. I could…nonetheless ya’ll have a wonderful festive season, and all the best for the new year…xxxxS