What’s going on!!!

Okay… I am gonna try and put it into words, this blog is gonna be a lot of rumble, whining, and might not make sense most of the time, but this is where I am right now. Generally I am feeling incredibly lonely in the world, everything I watch and read makes me cry… partly due to PMS, but this has to be the worst case of PMS I have ever experienced.

I sit and look back at the last 15 years, and this is not how I envisaged my life to be, completely alienated from my family, having no one, I mean I could die in my apartment and it would take a while for anyone to realise it. I think my family relationship is what makes all this even worse, even ten years ago, I would have thought my life would be much fuller and not as empty as it seems now.

Besides the family, the lack of any romantic relation or close friend who will hold my hand through it all, I spent most of Sunday crying, angry at life, at myself, beating myself up about everything, how I found myself here… where it all went wrong. And mostly realizing that I am sick of keeping it together and being strong, I am a tough cookie, I can’t even cry in public, I deny my feelings, especially where it is clear the other half isn’t worthy, I toughen up and keep walking, while dying, missing, longing inside, to the extent that man I have been with, have concluded that, I really don’t fall flat on my face, because I still walk when I think it’s bulshit, without showing any sign of weakness or pain, like its all good. Because that is the only way I know how to, I don’t know how to cry and beg anyone who doesn’t want to be in my life to stay, I have too much pride, over time I have begun to lie to myself, and definitely to friends who expect me to keep it together.

The truth is, I am scared, I miss some people, a lot, lone in particular, If a chance to be with him was ever presented, I’d grab it, I can’t tell them all this though, but I do feel so. And I dismiss people soo easy, friends, family, men in my life, I am patient in other respects, but at the same time I am intolerant of certain things, I opt out of things and situations, I am scared of conflicts, I shy away from these, I hate fighting with people, my solution for almost a lot of things in my life is to bounce!  My justification is that I cannot allow situations or people to affect me that way, if I can do something about it, I do not tolerate it, I’d rather be miserable or unhappy by myself due to things I cant help, not because of situations I can control or choose to be in.

The past few days, has seen me come to a realization that I am terrified, about a lot, about where I am, who I do not have, the state of uncertainty that I am in regarding the future, and by the future I mean the next four months of my life, I come home and look around my empty apartment, rooms I do not even use, and the fact that I do not even know what to do with regards to my family, I actually had to ask my sister to never get in touch with me recently. Having spent the last ten years taking care of everything and everyone, making their issues mine, she has been a major source of stress, that during easter when I went to see some of my family, I came home earlier than anticipated and started looking for a shrink… I found myself curled up at the backseat of my car, at a garage, cause I decided to drive as tired as I was, in the middle of the nights, terrified as I was, sleeping at petrol stations.. crying, scared, just needing someone to hold me, or talk to me on the phone… and the only person I felt could, was in Malaysia and sleeping I guess.

I know this post doesn’t make sense, so is my life…. I am freaked out about 30 and disconnected from everything… what makes it harder for me I guess, its cause, like I said a while ago, my mission statement is ‘growth and connection’, that is what I live for, but reaching 30 and having no one, absolutely no one, and needing to be taken care of for once in my life, feeling angry and feeling like I have played a major part in my ending up here, justified or not… wishing I could go back to high school, maybe keep in touch with those people, who would still be in my life. The fact that I am a closed person, and do not fully let people in doesn’t help. A friend in London sat with me till 3am one evening, telling me how he loves me and its okay to let someone in,  and recently I remembered that conversation and 2 days ago he was the only person I really wanted to talk to, but he was in Antigua on holiday.

I just want to disappear most of the time, I want to throw things, scream, cry all the time… frankly I do not even know what is going on, all the stuff I have just said, is my attempt at diagnosing myself. And what makes it worse is that, the one person who I have grown fond of as he was becoming a very important part of my life, it is also becoming apparent that due to all sorts, he will just be that guy and nothing more. You  know what, never mind this post, there is a lot I felt a few days ago and was gonna get it all out of my system… but now I can’t… of late I am having difficulty expressing myself even on here, as safe as I felt this place was, something is not right.

30 on the 30th, less the 30 countries target - part two

I think I got it, I know what it was I wanted to say…

I don’t know what this blog is about or where it’s going, I am all emotional, growing old, PMS… I dunno, but bear with me, I am just gonna throw it all into this laptop…it won’t make sense, but u will see where my head is

I am transfixed in time, a specific moment that I just can’t let go… 2005-2006, those were the best years of my life.. . that is London by the way, and people have moved on, relocated, grown, things have changed, and those years are gone, can never be relived. The networks, associations, the friendships, adventure… most importantly I think the co-workers I had, are all still so close, although 70 percent of us left the organization, we still have pay day socials, attend someone’s leaving do, mostly a person we have never met and worked with, but who came later, Christmas do’s.

Like I said, I dunno why… but I find that I am stuck in the middle, of what I dunno… and can’t seem to be able to lift my feet off the ground so I can walk on, part of me just wants to run back, to my 20s I dunno, they were great, and they are soon to be gone, and I am somehow stuck on those specific moments that made the 20s wow…

And for the first time, the uncertainty that I soo love about my life scares me, the things I have been feeling and thinking of late scare me… like there is something that took over my body, and it’s not me… frankly I dunno what’s up, my heart is heavy, am emotional, unsure (prolly PMS), scared, but at the same time don’t care, and just walking into whatever…

Never thought, I am one to freak out about growing old like I have heard most people do… but this is different, and I am not sure how to deal with it, or what to expect on the other side… and I am uncertain about EVERYTHING, that isn’t news at all, but this time it’s not nice. Particularly with soo much pressure to decide soon what happens, I need to decide in a month where I wanna live, I mean the continent that is… and for the first time, it is the hardest decision, the current financial crisis makes it harder than ever… and I am diving deeper into isolation, of friendship, kinship, etc… detachment has become second nature to me… for all sorts of reasons,

30 on the 30th, less the 30 countries target - part one

Good day good people, I know it has been a while since I wrote properly …last I was in Europe and now in Africa, as always, a lot  has happened, and a lot more coming… safe to say, I am in a good place…l will update as I go along.

I find myself thinking,  if not playing India Arie’s  ‘I choose’… particularly  the first line where  she says ‘here I am now looking at 30 and I got so much to say’…

I had planned to have a party in Tuscany, because I felt like I had to make it big, and wear that dress I bought in 2006 still with price tag.  Plus a friend talked me into it, about a year ago, insisted it had to be and it would have been a grand idea… although the loner in me really wanted to be alone in some secluded place, even retreat, that is what I had envisaged more than 2 years ago. Alone I shall be.

The truth is, I am not sure how to feel, I am getting what I wanted, I will be spending some alone time in the jungle for 4 days, maybe catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in 15 yrs. I had been searching for a retreat place, I need it…where I can be still and inside myself, my thoughts, my heart  and connecting with nature. I have been searching for months, even a yoga retreat for that matter. Following my journey to maternal family during Easter, when I decided it’s time to put some issues to rest and saw them for the first time after more than 10 years, an old junior high mate got my number and gave it to my old friend. And that is how we reconnected after 15 years, as a manager of a game lodge I took the offer of coming to spend some time in the jungle. Seeing I had been searching  for a while, it only seemed perfect to do it now.

Following the four days at the Kruger National Park, I am driving across to Mozambique alone for another four days, I am scared as hell… I have journeyed  throughout the globe, taken risks, etc… but it was always safer, and I flew to these places, used trains, taxis, and buses within tourist parameters, and if I drive it is always with friends in those countries, who can drive on the right side of the road, and never in Africa on my own, reminds me I need to check which side of the road they drive in Mozambique…. Now I am flying 2 hours from the Cape to Nelspruit Kruger,  then drive down to the Kruger, spend some time there but mostly in stillness/meditative mode and game drives, then I embark on the drive over the border, and apparently u might get difficulty at border, and need a lot of money for bribery, I have never crossed the border by road ever (well  except when I travelled with parents as a child). I have to say, for the first time in my life, I am very frightened about this travel, and are aware anything might happen, but I am also excited and look forward to the adventure and whatever happens. The plan is to spend another 4 days there, mainly in Maputo and drive round surrounding areas, they have awesome beaches, white sands, sadly its winter, but hopefully warmer than here, I am under a heater now and  it is raining, cloudy all the time.

I had a lot to say about growing old, and what has been going on in my head and heart… but somehow I can’t think… maybe another post.

WHY HIM

I do not feel compromised with him

I can be me and live my soul print

I totally trust his intentions, heart and him

I am comfortable with him,

I don’t find myself wasting hours thinking about his every action,

I can fully be in the present moment in his absence,  

He is dependable, he fuses about me, tries very hard to take care of me

He gives me room and space to be me and

At the same time supports me in all

He is aggressive and proactive about things

Although this at times may make me feel like I do not have a voice,

He still values my opinion, feelings, and views on things,

He respects me, my mind, body, heart and spirit

 Its about knowing what you have got and never have doubts about it…

Then u can continue living life.

He is prepared to move mountains for this…

and my ability to be happy and content, and never have my heart aching from missing him, or an unreturned phone call, email, etc… doesn’t mean I care for him less, it simply means he gives me no reason to feel that way, and his actions match up the level of love I have for him, he matches it pound to pound. That said I miss him, just like he doesn’t, but I am never sad about it.

I love him in a very different, content, comfortable, no drama, no trying to figure it out, we can take it as slow as possible kinda way.

And the fact that he made it clear to me, from the word go… what he wanted, was soo unique and brought me to a new level of being with someone.

And  the thing is, the first time I met him and spend a few hours with him, I knew I could be with him… but he was a stranger and it wasn’t real…. Therefore needed to be dismissed.

And, finally maybe it isn’t about fireworks, like I always thought,

its about allowing it to grow… maybe that is what will make it go the distance, maybe when each day is about unraveling another layer of it, it what its all about.

He is still my friend, and growing into a special part of my life, particularly after he made it clear that he wants to share his life with me, and he knew he could be and wants o be a part of my life from the beginning.

The simple act of giving flowers

A while ago I identified my mission statement as ‘ growth and connection’, connecting with others, places, things and growing in all of it. These r the two reasons I get up in the morning, that is what I live for.

In learning to shift from loneliness to connection by receiving and sharing soul prints, with not only people in my life but strangers even if u don’t know or understand them, be ready to receive and be received by them. The simple act of giving flowers might not say I understand u, rather say, “maybe I can’t count all the colours, sights and symbols that fill your Soul Print Box. Maybe I can’t connect with your childhood dreams and fears. But I can honour them, because I honour you. And promise to not make trinkets of them, not to trivialise, label or categorise them.”
It also says, ” I receive you through a small symbolic act of giving - even if I don’t always have the tools to fully understand you.”

That to me is profound and not only limited to giving flowers..

And I had to share this…as it represents all that I strive to become. Though of late I have struggled to always operate from a point of love, and as a result am seeking therapy to help me maintain my centre and understand things better.

India’s Lessons

“I have learned that sometimes the hardest conversations are the MOST important ones.

I have learned that standing up for myself is not an option, it’s a necessity.

I’ve learned that anyone who treats me like I am not good enough for them is wrong.

I’ve learned that Receiving love takes a lot of courage.

I have learned that following what feels Good, actually Feels Good.

I have learned that you gotta let life Touch you, and sometimes it hurts, sometimes it feels good, and ALL OF IT is living.

I have learned how productive it can be to just SIT STILL.

I have learned that love is not a destination,  it is not an ideal or fix all short cut to happiness, its an ACTION. It IS THIS moment.” I.A Simpson

The winds of change are blowing even harder

Ohh boy, I am here again, well I pride myself in the fact that, as much as I plan or envisage the future, i am also open to the possibilities of life taking me somewhere else I had never planned to go. That is okay, and that is the beauty about my life. It’s amazing, and learning that my personality profile is ENFP,made it easy to understand and accept who I am. The fact that I honesty and seriously have no frigin idea where I’d be or what I’d be doing in the next six months, gives me the rush. It’s exciting at  best, but the logistics can get stressful, but then again, at this rate I’m okay, i figure out my trips as I go along, I mean it literally, I decide the morning that I need to fly out,  hop onto one flight, and hope I ‘ll find some form of connecting transportation on the other side to get me to my destination. So give me a week, I can relocate continents, even the removal company knows meJ. Some see it as fickle, being spaced, etc., but hey, I have come to accept certain aspect about my life and I am just living it for me right now and no one else. And I have learned that if something isn’t working for me, it’s okay to make another choice.

So as much as I may complain about London, etc, Lord knows I love this place, and right now I’d rather be here, but unfortunately that is not how God has planned it. I prayed for Him to work things out the way He always does, on His own terms, whatever He sees fit. I learned a long time ago that, when I say the Lord’s prayer and be screaming ‘THY WILL BE DONE’ I truly mean His will and not mine. That has been the guiding force in my life, and I pray before each major act, for strength, clarity, and  truth to prevail, and always accept whatever ensues as His doing. And a week ago a friend actually said maybe God wants you to come home because he has better plans for you, and maybe she was right. And I also believe in surrendering when it’s necessary, I will give everything my all, try all I can, but also learn to surrender when it is necessary.

I must say, this was not easy, I beat myself up a lot, and thought back to 4/5 years ago when I made that one ‘wrong’ decision which subsequently led to all the other bad choices, and started doubting whether all those experiences were worth anything at all. What if I had settled for my average life back in 2004, maybe with kids and a husband now, and wouldn’t know of all this, so there’d be nothing to miss. Compounded by the fact that my ’soulmate’ (a friend’s words not mine - way i see it, all is as it should be, he is definitely not my soulmate but someone else’s) is getting married in a few days, I mean falling in love, in that way, with someone who seemed unattainable, gave me the courage to throw caution to the winds, and go anywhere, there was no point in being at a particular place, if my heart could be anywhere else. And I guess, realising that I will definitely never have him, leaves me feeling defeated, it’s like i a back to where i was a day before i met him.

But the truth is, I can’t blame myself for the recession, others r dealing with worse, loosing houses, etc, so it’s okay, bad timing that’s all, NEXT!!!

So, last Friday I was buzzing with enthusiasm and the possibilities in London were countless, but by Tuesday morning all that had changed, I was making new plans, I  had been considering SA for a while, and spent the last 2 days reviewing employment contracts, sorting out storage, tax returns, mobile phones in UK and SA, blackberry capabilities, cancelling internet services, etc. In short, I will be relocating to Jo’burg on or shortly after the 21^st of Feb, for about six months, on a sort of contract thing, am putting my things in storage here in London, I have an apartment paid for by company in SA, while I work long crazy hours, on some major project, and getting paid GOOD money, after six months I will evaluate where I am, come back here to wrap things up or continue my life here. I wasn’t happy in SA last I was there, and London can be crapy, and it has its down side, but I cannot sustain my life here anymore, it makes no sense to stay here, so I am out, peace ya’ll…catch you on the flip side of the sun, and have a happy valentines’ day for those who celebrate it, and also remember I got DUMPED LAST V-Day, so keep me in your thoughts. I will be celebrating 1 year of celibacy… whoooo….hoo, and look forward to many more to followJ

As the snow fell… ABBA’s “Our last summer” played on

Well I have been getting ready for interviews, and the job market is so tight that u have to jump hoops and all sorts just to get an interview. Employers know this and they will make you do some work for them as part of the assessment process. Like for one job, I made it to the second phase, and to get to interview stage (phase three) I had to read through a 170page strategy document (the children’s plan), and write a brief for the National Secretary of a division in the organisation, focusing on the implication the national plan has for the organisation I was applying to, couple that with an action plan for the national secretary based on the plan, and the fact that the plan had very little implication on the said organisation, this was no easy job, and I guess my brief report was not good enough as I never made it to interviews. But I have 2 more interviews tomorrow and Thursday, for one I have 2 tests, already done one at home, and a presentation to make, I will have 45 minutes to prepare for it, then the actual interview, and for the other one, I have a presentation to prepare and deliver and then the interview.

It’s really crazy what one has to do these days, tomorrow I am spending 2.5 hours being assessed, on top of the 1hr 45 minutes I spent on some online test. Those were hard as well, I haven’t done maths in 11 years, since high school, the only time I even deal with numbers is when I am adding up money using my phone or pc calculator. Well I lie, I have had to analyse data using excel and access now and then, but nothing compared to the stuff I had to do the past couple of days, and  I usually have more than 30 minutes to do that.   Dividing fractions and all, dang, I am rusty, and I did really bad on the numeracy test. Well given that yesterday was quiet a day, the city came to a stand still because of the first snow in 20 yrs, it don’t (doesn’t) snow much in England, and I was dealing with a stressful tenant in SA who refuses to move out, and haven’t paid rent, the bank breathing down my neck re: mortgage, I spent more time on the phone, between nursing the headache, dashing out to dive on the snow, yelling at a friend who was trying to be helpful, lack of sleep, and having to spend 2-3 hours of these aptitude tests. That at one point as I was laughing at something I saw on BBC news, tears just came out, and it wasn’t that kind of laughing until u cry. I opened my mouth to laugh, and all the tears, the pain, stress, everything wanted to come out, and I just let it flow for a while, before lifting my head from the keyboard to laugh at myself, and write another email while dialling the phone. ABBA has been good company, I revel at he thought of screaming knowing me, knowing you in my shower, off tune, and soo bad, that  when I jump out of the shower I’d hear myself say: ‘damn I suck, I should be arrested for this’

 Anyhoo, the intension of this blog was to share some of these funny things I came across as I was preparing for my interviews, some of the stuff candidates get up to at an interview, I had to share this, I found it too funny, and these are true account.

Some of the unusual behaviour at interviews

• Candidate brought her large dog to the interview.
• Candidate wore a personal stereo and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
• When asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around the office.
• Candidate pulled out a camera and took a photo. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Applicant said he was so well-qualified that if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
• Asked her about the many jobs she had had and she said ‘I get bored easily’.
• Interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific questions.
• Dozed off during the interview.
• Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and chips during the interview.
• Said he would demonstrate loyalty by having company logo tattooed on his arm.
• Said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a wardrobe.
• Applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle
• Candidate fell and broke his arm during the interview
• Explained her long term goal was to replace the interviewer
• refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Questions asked by interviewees

• Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?
• Does your health insurance cover pets?
• Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?
• Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?
• What are the zodiac signs of the board members?
• What is it that you people do in this company?
• What is the company motto?
• What is your Zodiac sign?
• Do I have to dress for the next interview?
• I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?
• Will the company pay to relocate my horse?
• When is pay day?
• Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?
• Why am I here?