Reflections

I am listening to old school soul, and just tryna understand the process involved in naming bands back then, with names like:  The Supremes, KC & The Sunshine Band, Peaches and Herbs, Hues Corporation, The Real Thing, The Miracles, The Marvelettes, The Pips , Cool and The Gang, The Temptations, The Manhattans, The O’jays, The Four Tops, The Whispers, The Stylists, The Spinners, The Blue Notes, The Drifters, The Crystals, The All Stars, The Vandellas, The Del-Vikings. Especially with bands, the names were wicked man… and very random, it always had to be ‘the something’. I wonder why none was called The Soul Maters, and I just googled it, there is a band in Ireland by that name.

Then came the 80’s and 90s bands, then called rnb,  they decided to keep it simple, and usually the trend was three letter names, or use their initials if they can, there was also a number trend. U have Silk, Brownstone, SWV, Escape, Boys 2 Men, All 4 One, Guy, TLC, Dru Hill, Jodeci, X-scpae, 3 T, 4PM. 4.0, 2^nd Nature. 112. A few Good Men, 3^rd Storee, 702, 7669, 7 Mile, Milestone, After 7, Az-Yet, En Vouge, LSG, Soul 4 Real, Soul to Soul, Take 6, Men 2 U, Men of Vizion, Men At Large, Eternal, Hi-Five, Shai, New Edition, then Colour Me Bad, the list is endless. And some how Atlantic Star was way ahead of  their time… as they had a 90’s name.

Then late 90s and 21 century, the band thing seems to be dying, u have Spice Girls, Destiny’s Child, Jagged Edge then the white boy bands, Nsync, Westlife, Otown, though more pop, they still appealed to rnb fans, me thinks. Then there is the pop/rnb boom from all them reality tv… I don’t even dig them, where the focus is mainly booty shaking… then they split after a year or so. Actually I can’t think of any band right now… what happened to the band?  U have a few revivals, Boyz 2 Men tryna have a come back without Michael, I loved the group all my life, but when I saw them 2 years ago, they are fat and using old school stuff instead of writing their song, I know that was the intention to bring back Motown. I think Shawn Stockman can go for it alone really. And All 4 one, another favourite of mine, had a concert in Japan 2 years or so, they are also old and out of shape. I was watching a programme a while ago, when I crashed with a mate briefly, as u know I don’t do TV. The programme was the best of the 90s, and digging up as to where these people are  now, and what they are doing. Colour Me Bad boys were all fat, one was a car mechanic, and another found Christ, or something like that.

Can u guys think of any rnb group right now.. or maybe ‘cause I have lost interest in rnb, it has taken a different shape now and it appealed to me as a teenager and early 20s… me thinks I am just not in love with the idea of love, or its becoming too much about banging than love.

the day continued to be an entire mess… i stuffed up some work, i sent out some advise to one of our member that was not totally clear and was open to the wrong interpretation, recalling the email didn’t work, and  I cc’s my manager, but i can’t be blamed, the regulations are too vague, and i was too lazy to dig up further, I just spent a bit of time with it and used the first interpretation I read into it, until the manager came to my desk, and I read it again, a few of us checked it, and no-one had the answer, I just did my work a bit more thoroughly and find out some old legal advise that could clarify the issue… well I will ring the guy and clarify my email

now on the night out with co-workers, there is a hot dreadlocked bar man, I though mhh I could have me some of that. I ordered a jug of some cocktail… and I swear that stuff had no alcohol whatsoever, I kept complaining about it, and eventually took it back, now the locked fine guy laughs when I say there is no alcohol in this thing, and tells me ‘finish that I will make u another one’, I then ask are u sure, he says ‘yes’. I polished that thing as fast as I could, and still sober as a judge… it was painful, I went back, and watched him very closely as he makes me another one, ohh the first one was prepared by his white colleague.I told him not to waste space on the second one  with the ice, the jug was half full, the only way they make these glasses and jugs seem full, is to stuff them with ice.. there sure was some liquor in this one, and I made sure I tasted it. Went back to our table, and enjoyed my cocktail. Later this white dude comes to me with a receipt about me not paying for my drinking, it was on…the table came to a stand still, I am the only black person there, and they thought wow.. she is not to be messed with.

Now the confusion was that, his colleague (fine black dude) just said ‘finish that and i will make u another one’ and that meant, the second jug is for free, now this dude has the neck to come to my table with some bulshyt about paying for the cocktail. The black dude was called and we argued back and forth, with his saying but I finished the first one, me claiming well the dude said I should finish it, and he used an example about buying something from a supermarket after polishing it, I then go back to complain about whatever product. I put on my dram gear, and made this gesture with a jug of cocktail in my hand that settled the case. I  didn’t even wait for him to finish with that whole analogy, and cut him saying something like “ooh please, look I did not polish the drink, I went back with a full jug, and he told me to finish it, and now says he didn’t mean the next one would be free, that information wasn’t made clear to me, I did not enjoy the first drink, and I am still sober, u must know, I have no problem paying for the drink whatsoever, but…” he walked away and I didn’t pay for my drink… it wasn’t a glass here, it was an entire jug, 6 glasses of cocktails I wasn’t gonna pay for, because of some bulshyt like that. Fine black dude must have been pissed, and I though, ‘ohh I was just fantasising about u having your way with me on the counter of that bar, now u can forget being in my fantasy dude’.

My colleagues  saw a side of me they didn’t know, well they don’t work with me, they work in another department (what I’d like to call, the cool department), 2 of them were celebrating a birthday. Even the head of their department was there, and he must have thought…sista don’t play. And it wasn’t even about the money, it’s a principle with me, I don’t tolerate nonsense, and I will make it know, such crap don’t wash with me..

Woke up with a headache of course, and was a minute late.. this time it was the train, I have been late 3 out of four times this week, with one incidence involving taking a wrong train and having to waste 45 minutes going back and starting my journey afresh… now gotta do some work, I am out with a friend tonight, and just had a message from former co-workers about someone’s leaving do, I am invited to tonight… and it’s a friends 30^th tomorrow night.

And ohh… the gay thing has been clarified, he got back to me after I sent him an email saying I feel stupid as I juts found out he was gay, he just said I am funny… and yes he is gay, and sadly all the good one’s aren’t available, but there sure is a good straight guy around the corner for me.. well that is settled for now… but I am never ever hitting on another man again, at least not in this lifetime…

It doesn’t help that I didn’t sleep last night, I was on the phone with once every 3 months friend, it only cliqued when my phone rang that, 2 weeks just before he left something happened, following my declaration that I am growing to like him.. We went as far as 3^rd base and no more, and we spoke about business, he wanted me to check accompany online and talk about the business proposal he got from the CEO while in Jamaica, just bounce it by me, and I gave him my input and all… caught up on how I have been since he has been away, my flu, his trip.

Then as I bid him good night, past midnight, he asks when will we meet up, we have been hanging out a lot, drinks, dinners, movies. And I said I don’t now… he had to ask if i wanted to see him still. Something I have been thinking, because as a friend of 4 years, I had to find out what his bottom line is with relationship. And our conversation confirmed what I thought, not into commitment, likes being a free agent, and then I decided well he will always be a friend and that’s it. I later told him that my reason for interrogating him that way, was because I was beginning to like him. I liked him years ago, but he was unreliable and decided to keep him as a friend. After saying that I went to Venice and we kept on missing each other on the phone, and I got annoyed and started ignoring his calls, I thought, what a tooser, u tell then u fancy them they act like they are king of jungles… whatever? Eventually he called and I picked up, asked what’s up, I was like nothing… I acted like noo I have been busy and seeing he didn’t live a message I didn’t know he tried to get in touch.  He eventually came for dinner, when he heard I was cooking, it was too late to go for a film so we just stayed in, this is the first meeting since I told him why got soo much into his business.

Now he is a bit friendlier than normal, and I allow it after 2 glasses of wine I a relaxed, I have always been comfortable with him, at the beginning of our friendship we kissed and spent a lot of time together, but I wasn’t patient enough and we stayed plutonic. Now we got more close than we have ever, that qualifies as third base without going all the way. Now him being my mate who know where I am promised he will help me keep my celibate and laughed a bit. He was going to Jamaica for 2 weeks, so we didn’t have to deal with the awkwardness until later. I played it cool, and he text to say what a great time he had and see me when he gets back. But as much as I like this man, I have established where he stands with relationships, although he suggested that, it might change upon discovering that I fancy him. I am not playing that game with him, so I had made up my mind about this thing after I established his bottom line and that was it. So I couldn’t be arsed about anything.

When I received the call last night it took me  awhile to answer cause it was like ‘ohh my gosh 2 weeks has gone past and he is calling, why cant he be like a normal guys and just don’t call the morning after the night before’? Well maybe it’s because he didn’t really get laid and he is a friend, honestly though, they all have  a tendency of calling the morning after the night before. My ex, the French, called me the next morning I asked him what the hell he wanted, and he laughed and told me he wanted to know how I was and all. But his was unique, he is my first many things really, I got down with him on the first night, which has never happened, and its because of who he is, well we never looked back from that night, 2 weeks ago he sent me an e-mail reminiscing about that evening last October…whatever, dude. I digress, why do they have  a tendency to call, when u don’t expect them to?

Anyway, now since the once every 3 month friend and I got that close, I was thinking how to get out of this, how do u reverse things to go back to being friends, I know once u go past certain points u can’t go back. So I decided if it meant loosing the friend I will, I was prepared to never see him, because I don’t want anything to progress and don’t want to find myself snoging him now and then either, I am happy with the way things were. Unless I know he wanted a relationship, I would have no problem moving forward with him. So this has been going through my head. And I didn’t think he’d bring it up last night but he did.  That is the beauty about the fact that he is a friend, he knows where my head is at and can take the lead. But leaves it to me to make the decision, and wants us to define, or rather me to define what happened, I am like ‘why does it have to be me’?… and how I felt. i made it clear I want to go back, though he acknowledged its’ difficulty to go back to the way things were… but I was too tired, and the convo didn’t  really conclude, as he figured I wanted to go to bed and  he sensed it and decided we will talk about this later.

I have a better solution, why don’t we just never see each other… I know it is harsh, and he is truly a friend, whom I can count on for so many things, and we respect each other.  But I think I am at a point where I am not afraid to loose friends if it will make life less complicated or my romantic life that is? I have been through this love thang soo many times, that I am loved up right now. And I ma just different with relationships, it scares me, how I am content at letting a lot go, if I sense the slightest complication. the thing is I have exhausted a lot of possible relationships, I have had a lot of circumstances thrown my way and have embarked on each one of them with enthusiasm, and the believe that love will find a way, and it is stronger…thrown myself into complicated hopeless affairs just because my heart wanted it, screw my head and the odds. I can tell u this, I ain’t doing that shyt no more, we r done with that part of the programme in Shazzas life… , DONE U HEAR ME! PHEW… need to do some work…. Or lunch first, and it is Risotto fishcake… this day just keeps getting better…

Not a good morning at all… from these two teenagers tryna clown behind me as I was walking to work. U see, I am the type who will wear anything I want with confidence, and I will make it cool. 

So yesterday I wore tailored greyish trousers, brown knitted tight fitting top, brown stilettos, a black and white tie hanging on  my chest like jewellery, …and I am coo that way. Whereas Tuesday I wore dark green tailored trousers and greet knitted top, it was raining and a good excuse to have my blue Tims on…and a blue scarf going all the way down, below my knees .I am out for drinks tonight, and  I went overboard… blue skinny jeans, a Japanese friend gave me a nice dress, but its above the knees and I am not too comfortable wearing it, so I wore it over the jeans, with white leg warmers, worn as ankle boots, blue six inch stilettos, white pashmina scarf and a blue tailors suite jacket, if u can picture that.

These 2 white teenagers were tryna have a moment about my outfit I think, I stopped and looked at them and sighed  giving them the (‘what?…i will get ghetto on your arsees, the 6 inch stilettos will come off, drop the bag, sunglasses and bring it on, right here’)… they got it and I carried on running towards the station. I was running very late, the train took forever to arrive, and  when I got to Earl’s Court to change.. I am headed towards the escalator and I usually run through these, no one can keep up. The ones who want to stand, do so on the right, and the ones who want to walk, do so on the left, tourists are the most annoying people when it comes to this, especially since I live on the Piccadilly line which comes from the airport, so early in the morning u have confused tourists with bags on the underground, they r a nuisance when u r tryna get to work. Now this joker, decided to jump on to an escalator and walks like he owns the place in front of me, there is no one on the left or right, yeahs he is walking, but could he walk one side, since as far as I was concerned he might have been standing, I swerved left right, and getting ticked off, eventually did a zig-zag to get in front of him and run, took a left at the top, and ran the last stairs up. I get to the top, my tube closes it’s doors. I swear, I instantly turned back as if I want to punch him, but came to my senses when I saw him coming up the stairs. Those few seconds cost me a lot of time, as the next tube came 4 minutes later, and I got to Wimbledon after my train had left, I missed my train…

When I thought it couldn’t get worse, there are these kids on the station platform, with a few teachers, I have no idea where they r headed to.. they were screaming and all.. must have been no older than 10. I was sooo annoyed, they were not bothering me.. but babies so early in the morning… I  love my peace, even my sister acknowledge that, it was a blessing that she gave birth to her son when I lived in cape town, cause I would have moved out of the house, screams and all just don’t work with me. It would drive me insane, the headaches. Someone commented how peaceful my hood was when they stayed over at mine recently (the once every 3 month friend).. the only noise is usually my neighbour’s dog, that too gets to me. It’s not even that loud, but it’s just so quiet  where I live that, even the slightest of sounds is easily detectable.  Anyway, as  I am waiting for my train, I thought ‘bless school teachers’, I don’t know how they do it…. This wouldn’t work with me. I have moments when I need to just be still and alone, for hours on end… with no sound whatsoever. While sitting there, I thought, motherhood is not for me.

Hopped into the train to work, half an hour later I rock up at the office, I am gutted that I am late, it’s 10:10, its not the lateness that bugs me, it’s the fact that since we use this clocking system for flexi time, if I come after 10 it will have a red on my records, which compels me to pop onto the head of research and inform her I had train problems.. I hate lying, I had no train problems, she lives in London so she knows… I almost said I just got to the station late. I have to do so, because HR will ring her once it shows on the system so she will have to give permission to overwrite it, with an explanation. So I kinda have to say hi, train problem.  That is the only part I hate about being late, well I left the office just before 7pm last night, so I can’t be arsed about that… at times I come in at ten and leave by four… depending on how many hours I have accumulated. I have to say I am not a morning person. I even dodge colleagues when I see them on trains, cause I HATE the whole, forced polite chat u must have with them….i don’t do these, they suck.. so I will literally run off the train, so as to avoid them, not cause I don’t like them or anything. I just don’t do these mini talks. Whereas over lunch I will gladly sit with them, and chat away, the only thing I am good at is ‘Morning’ when I walk into the door and straight to my desk, more than that is too much, and I usually communicate with my manager via e-mail, her office is 3 feet away.

Now just when I fuqin thought this day couldn’t get any worse, the white chick behind me is whining about my heater… ‘GAAAAAWD … not today. i am cold, what is your problem’?, its not even full blown winter, can u imagine how it’s gonna be in winter? I can’t deal with this. This is not the first time, it’s just that today I am in no mood, and she wasn’t asking me, more like telling me its getting stuffy, fuq u… usually the other one is polite when she asks me…these folks are tripping and I am getting sick of it. I’m getting another job where people understand I am from Africa  and prefer it warm.

I just hit on a gay guy… I met  at a friend’s party a while ago, and had great conversations, he is nice and all.. found him very interesting… and we hooked up again over facebook as pictures from the party were posted. And I flirted with him about how I kinda fancied him the other night, wondered as to why I hadn’t received a response…

Today I ask my colleague/friend if he has a girlfriend over lunch,.. and I have never felt soo embarrassed, I was down on my knees when she told me, he is gay. And I could have sworn I got some vibes, he even teased me about being the a high maintenance celibate chick. My other friend also commented on how we clicked and she could see us hitting it, I swear, the guy flirted with me, unless I have been out of the loop for soo long that I don’t even know straight from gay. I actually hit on a gay guys, and went as far as telling him, which doesn’t happen with me.. it’s maybe cause of how easy it was being around him and I felt I could kid like that… I am sooo embarrassed. But turns out he is quite a flirt, so I can’t be blamed.

And ohh I had to settle for 3 cheese quiche for lunch, if I said I didn’t like cheese,  that would be an understatement… I HATE CHEESE… so now u know how my lunch went (chicken-less lunch that is, all this good eating better buy me ten more years of life, it is a sacrifice indeed).

People, it’s gonna take more than the disciplined woman that I am to do this. There is chicken being served out there right now, even a colleague caught me eyeing it. This is one day when I have come so close to giving in to my carnivore nature as an African. I felt sick last week when I went to a South African do, which I should have know would have only meat, as I had to try some of the finger foods to know if they contained meat or not, and only one type of samosa, but I must have munched on something meaty, as my tummy didn’t take too kindly to all the delicatessen served.

It has been about seven months now, I am still good, I have dreams, more like nightmares of me eating meat, and feeling very disappointed with myself, that I wasn’t disciplined enough, but very happy when I wake up to realise it was a dream.. I have loads of those dreams.

I have to say chicken has always been my favourite dish, roast chicken that is, and it is being served out there, and I will probably have to settle for some, tasteless veggie stuff.. ohh Lawd.. What did I get myself into, I need prayers. Sometimes I wonder if I am simply addicted to self torture, I like testing my boundaries,  with both this and celibate thing, it’s for personal reasons and nothing else, most people just don’t understand and think I am crazy… and I wonder if I just like torture.

Ohhh also the celibate thing, is getting harder by the day, I wake up with dreams, and longings… and I come close to throwing in the towel at times, especially since it’s hard to meet a man who is prepared to get with a girl, knowing he ain’t gonna tap it. But then, I pray for strength…I need all the prayers people, and please God send my he, before I give in to my physical need and later regret it.  sometimes i simply need affection, a smooch, and to wake up next to someone, a cuddle.. it’s hard to find a man to give that without the guarantee of a shag… ohh this sucks man.

But for now, pray for me people about the veggie thing, how do u do it?… help guys. Worse I have decided to lay of fish too, and slowly getting into vegan, but that is a loooong term goal, I can’t do without my yogurts, and for one I’ll have to forgo the meals at work, and make my own food, as they serve a lot of cheese and dairy products, and we all know, I am lazy at that. But I must say since being vegetarian, I spend more time preparing my food, and I put more emphasis on what i eat, fruits, veggies, I am good, I told my mom the other day, she was very proud.. now HELP!!!!.

It is happening more frequent, and getting a bit crazy these days. I know Dragonfly did acknowledge in one of her old blogs that she does have a tendency to do this. And I presume we all do once in a while, but mine has progresses from moving lips, to sounds actually coming out of these lips.

One afternoon I decided to have lunch in my own spot, by the bar as usual, everyone has their lunch by the dining area, but I am weird like that, I was having conversations with myself on how weird the English can be, having jacket potato for a meal, that is just bizarre. It was yet another challenging vegetarian day for me, where the veggie dish is either a risotto, or something I can’t have, and someone suggested jacket potato with cheese to me, I said no. Years ago, I tried it with some minced beef, but nah, its too weird to have a jumbo potato with cheese or some filling as a meal, I love my potatoes, especially roast, but I cant do jacket.

So I am getting ready to eat, and still having this convo with self, then the guy at the bar, whom I didn’t notice, asked if I was talking to myself, I don’t know if I was loud or he saw the moving lips. I initially denied it, but later said yes, and tried to explain what was going on, but eventually just told him, u saw nothing.

Now this is becoming frequent, I talk to myself when I am walking to and from work, and when I bump into someone I tent to pretend  am singing, but that is not working anymore, as I now catch myself talking out loud, even when I am at home alone. Usually I rehearse conversations or things I really want to say to people and never really say, or express feelings about certain things. I can basically take on George Bush in one of these convos I have with self.

Now I am worried, this is getting out of control, how do I stop people? or am I actually crazy? I know Dragonfly used to, well to my knowledge, talk to herself,. What about the rest, do u talk to selves? What are the circumstances, what type of conversations, is it when u r mad, happy, etc? lets share peeps, and if anyone has a secret on how to at least control it, please share, because I am sure people already know me as the crazy chick. Maybe it’s cause I spend a lot of time alone.

Since I have been cooped up indoors, and my Tyler Perry’s collection arrived Saturday morning, I spent most of Sunday in the company of one Mr Perry. I have seen some of his films, though I felt the story is getting tired, ‘nice girl marries a rich arsehole, she eventfully find love with blue collar dude’. I must say ‘Why did I get Married’, made me not want to get married… that shyt is frightening… damn marriage is too hard. And for me it’s worse I love really really hard, I get into it, and really hurt when it’s over, despite the fact that I have never had one that lasted a year, imagine giving 10 years to a marriage, how am I suppose to survive that, if it doesn’t work out. I know, why am I even thinking of it not working out, one thing I told myself is that when and if I take those vows, I will do it once, otherwise I rather not.  

Anyway, why did I get married is a nice film, and makes u think, four couples, she married and arsehole, she married a looser, he married a workaholic, the fourth couple are just to perfect on the surface.

Anyway Amazon have decided to recommend the House of Payne, from my purchase of Soul Food and Girlfriends, I had never heard of it, but I figured, why not try it, i watch about 12/14 episodes last night, I initially thought, nothing wow about it… but I liked the little hustler girl… she is something. But then I noticed something. Does Tyler have something against woman? I mean his storylines are so predictable. On the House of Payne, just like on Diary of a mad Black Woman, the mother is a junkie, who leaves her two children to be taken care of by the father…really tryna break the stereotype that it’s not always the men who are irresponsible, etc, but women do it, but it’s the same story. And Madea has to be in everything, the sitcom was good, but I still don’t get why Amazon recommended it just cause I bought Girlfriends and Soul Food, I still wouldn’t buy all the other sitcoms, well more laughter for me tonight then.

Some morning the London Metro newspaper can leave me hysterical and out of breath, most people think I am on something. Only recently I started reading the letter section, where different readers comment on whatever they want, mostly on articles that appeared the previous day or something.

Yesterday the Highway Agency suggested that landlords may have to remove their pub signs by the roadside, because it might tempt drivers to drink and drive. This morning a reader asked if the same agency could tell the likes of McDonalds and KFC to stop advertising by the roadside as that may tempt people to become obese, LOL!!! It left me cracking. If I were president,  in my country, KFC, McD and coca cola would be made illegal, non organic foods would be banned too.

Yesterday it was reported that a study conducted on British children discovered that one in seven five-year olds, struggle to write their names and compile a shopping list, after one year in primary school. One reader responded that if their name were Sam, he/she’d probably have it nailed after the first day at school, but if they were called Bartholomew, he/she reckoned it’d take them at least a year to get it right.

The most beautiful man I have ever seen, inside-out…and if I were to be asked today who I’d consider my enchanted love, it has to be him:) Just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I wish him all the luck for his wedding next year February.

And I just realised, I haven’t written much since him, I wrote a lot of poetry post our short ‘thing’. I remember some nights I’d make a pact with God, that if He could make this possible, I would devote my life to glorifying Him, and I meant it. That is before I started on my religious quest, which scary as it may sound, it is leading me back to Christianity, partly due to laziness on my part, Christianity being the only thing I know, I haven’t been proactive enough in wanting to know more, and looking elsewhere.

I mean at some point I felt like if I could write an e-mail once a day, that would be enough, It was irrelevant whether it was read or not. Just the sense that we are connected through some e-world was enough; my love could go on for-ever. It was the scary type of love, beyond the physical, it transcended oceans, time and space. It physically hurt.

I remember what attracted me to him was his faith, it was so strong… I mean, people get shocked when I tell them that, despite all these emotions and what we shared, the nights and days, we never had sex, not once. It was better that way, Lord knows I wouldn’t be able to survive that kind of connection with him. I love really hard, and getting physical makes it worse. What we shared was enough to send me across oceans, 4-5 years latter I am still searching and he is still the one:).

I remember how torn I was when he told me he got engaged early this year, we haven’t seen each other in 4 years but…I am okay now, although friends, sometimes like to tell me that, well he hasn’t tied the knot yet, so it’s not over. But I know better, he is an amazing man, I will always cherish what we shared, and I am soo glad he is still in my life. But that is all, nothing more, it won’t be fair to me, him or my future partner for me to be holding on to these emotions. I just looked at his picture this morning, and it made me smile, and I thought I’d write this post. And I was sort of looking for inspiration to write some poetry, seeing I haven’t felt that inspired since him.